(This post was transferred from my now-defunct “Unshelved Writing Goals” blog.)

I enjoy riffling through new books on the shelf as much as the next gal. And I appreciate a nice hunka-hunka-burnin’ love on the covers, too. But I couldn’t stop snickering over some unintentional humor in some books on Wal-Mart’s shelves tonight. Let’s take a look.

Books 1 and 2

Why is it the most prominent element of this book cover for Charlene Sands‘ Renegade Wife — a very nice heinie lovingly framed by jeans and chaps — is positioned RIGHT NEXT to some text that says, “She would have it her way … or no way!” Hmm. No wonder he’s wearing chaps.

Now let’s move on to book #2 by Darlene Graham. Here we have a clear case of “Oh hell no, they didn’t say that.” Right above this pretty pregnant woman’s picture we have the title, Lone Star Rising. (Yes, her star is rising, all right. But don’t we usually call it a “bun” in the “oven”?)

And right next to her ginormous ol’ baby belly, we have additional text calling attention to the bump and giving it the old wink-wink-nudge-nudge in case we missed the joke: “Her star will rise again.”

Okay, I can mock this two ways:

  • “Yes, we can SEE her star has risen … in fact, it’s about to pop right on out.” (A riff on the baby bump) OR “Well, Lord, she wouldn’t be in such a mess if she had told him to put that darned star away occasionally.” (Obvious joke.)
  • I’m thinking that “Rise” should be one of the less-desireable verb choices for a romance cover, particularly one like this.

Books 3 and 4

And then there’s book #3 — some savage man-titty is boldly displayed for your viewing pleasure on Janelle Taylor’s Lakota Dawn. Nothing against man-titty, and a loincloth is always an intriguing choice … am I right, ladies? (I am resisting EVERY URGE to make a choice about revelations resulting from an, um, stiff breeze.) But this guy’s got got one flat pec and one puffy one. Make up your minds, cover artist. It looks like the cover came due in mid-revision. Or maybe he hasn’t saved up enough for more than just one pec implant yet.

He also looks more like he’s heading out to check the surf than to whoop it up for his tribe. (The little known, “Duuude!” tribe.) Whadda ya wanna bet there’s a cooler of ice-cold Buds at his feet?

This brings us promptly to book #4, Dakota Dreams by Madeline Baker, where we’ve got a distant view of a fretful woman and a detailed view of a native American man who is mouthwateringly gorgeous. And doesn’t he know it!

Look at her. She’s clearly got some big concerns but is probably thinking she’ll survive the wild, wild West — after all, she thinks, “I’m pretty brave.” Now look at the fellow, He Who Pouts. He’s thinking, “I’m a pretty, pretty brave.”

And need I point the obligatory cylindrical object thrusting manfully into the foreground? What is it with the manly symbolism, cover artists? We get it. Penises. Gotcha!

Well, I’ll wrap it up with book #5, The Lion’s Daughter by Loretta Chase. It’s actually not so bad, but the fellow’s expression is just daring me. “Oh, yeah, who you callin’ a cliche?”

Nothing, mister Rakish Man. *Growl.*

Book 5 and ...

All I can say when I see his cockeyed stance, tall boots, tight pants and a truly swashbuckling shirt (if ever a swash there was to be buckled), is: “Do you think he has a touch of the Captain in him?”

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